We all know the saying, "Don't judge a book by its cover", but it happens quite often.
There are times when we are the ones judging others and sometimes, we’re the ones being judged… or at least we think we are. Just thinking that we are being judged can evoke feelings of inadequacy, panic, and discomfort. This is called the Spotlight Effect, a phenomenon where we overestimate how much people notice and judge us.
If the Spotlight Effect can bring about those feelings, how do you handle people’s actual judgments and expectations? Despite not wanting to fulfill the expectations of others, many of us try anyway. As Humble the Poet stated during his Breakfast Club interview regarding a chapter in his How to Be Love(d) book, “One of the big reasons we struggle to realize love is, we care about being liked. We want everyone to like us, so we say yes when we mean no.”
Sometimes you need to say no to set boundaries. Don’t over-extend yourself by doing things that you really don’t want to do.
The advancement of technology and the expansion of social media allows us to post things that appear to be picture-perfect. Years ago, instant Polaroid cameras and traditional film cameras would capture whatever was going on when your finger pressed the button. When the prints were developed, the best and the worst shots were there, even for the film developer to see. Talk about capturing the moment! Currently, we can post what we believe to be perfection and if that’s not enough, we look for how many likes or views it gets. For some of us, it may be our unfiltered reality and for others, it’s only a pretense.
Don’t lose your true self, and don’t let others determine your capabilities, lifestyle, personality, or appearance. Set your own expectations and limits. Get comfortable with judging yourself and tweaking things in your life as you see fit, then show up, and show out!
Think about whether you style your hair the way you really want to or whether it’s done that way because of what others expect. Do you have a closet filled with nice hats, glasses, clothes, and shoes, but you don't wear them for fear of what others may think? Do you look in the mirror and love the real you, or is the real you hidden under layers and layers of what others expect?
It is important for us to remember to love the person in the mirror! This does not mean that we are conceited or self-centered. We are simply embracing and accepting who we are and putting that forth to the world. Are you walking in your truth or hiding it?
We should take time each day to appreciate who we are in some way. No one has to love everything about you, but you should be comfortable with yourself, you should love yourself. As Sheryl Lee Ralph said in her acceptance speech for the 2023 Critics Choice Award for Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series, “People don’t have to like you, people don’t have to love you, people don’t even have to respect you. But when you look in the mirror, you better love what you see!”
You've heard it before... "You are your biggest cheerleader!" It doesn't mean that we do not appreciate the support of those around us, but at least when they are not there, we can still keep that momentum. At least when the world doesn’t see us for who we are, we know exactly who we are and what we stand for!
A great activity to try is looking at yourself in the mirror and truly acknowledging yourself. Look deep into your eyes and tell yourself how beautiful you are and how proud you are of yourself. Look at your lips and give yourself your best smile. Really, any that you chose is fine because it's only you to please, and you are enough!